Fairy Tales
by TheCrazyAuthors
Summary: Karkat has to take a sick day and John gets a dare involving the story Sleeping Beauty. Rated for Karkat's colorful rainbow potty mouth.


_... I regret nothing._

_As usual._

(Line Break says Senom299 doesn't own Homestuck.)

It was Gamzee's fault.

Karkat had been telling himself that for roughly two hours straight now. It was his fault for fucking POISONING him, probably trying to KILL him, now he was going to DIE...

To make things worse, it was also partly Jade's fault for catching wind of this, also catching a stupid idea in the process, and telling John to go help.

At least it wasn't Dave fucking Strider.

"So, uh, hi, Karkat." John muttered, pushing the door open.

"Go away, fucktard."

"Dave said he'd pay me to do this."

"... You better give me half the share."

John rolled his eyes and grabbed a chair, a book hidden behind his back. Karkat's eyes narrowed.

"If this is your sick idea of a joke, get the hell out of my room and go bother some other asshole."

The other boy adjusted his glasses, sweating nervously. "I... uh... thought you might feel better if I read to you..."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"... and Jade got me this new book about fairy tales last week, I haven't been able to put it down si-"

Karkat's eyes narrowed further. Coughing, he grabbed the book and stared over the cover before turning back to John. "Question, how stupid do you think I am?"

"Well, I don't think you're st-"

"Answer: not as much as you." The troll thrust the book back into John's hands. "Fuck this, let me sleep so I can bother you later. And get me some Kleenex or something."

"Can I read you _one_?" John begged. "Just one. You might like it."

Karkat cracked an eye open, irritation clear. "One. And I want that tissue first."

As if on cue, Dave threw the door open. "Someone need a tissue?"

"What the hell."

"Tissue delivery service, bro. Live it, love it." Strider announced, throwing a box of Kleenex so it hit John square in the face.

"THIS IS STUPID!" The boy squawked. "... uh, that wasn't supposed to happen."

"Get out of my room, okay?" Karkat yelled hoarsely. His throat HURT, damn it all. "Fuck off, Strider!"

As soon as the door was safely closed again, the troll had blown his nose, and John got an ice pack (somehow) for his black eye, the room had settled down enough where he was feeling daring enough to read.

"All right, then, so this one's called Sleeping Beauty..." John trailed off, opening the book and flipping through the pages.

"Sounds retarded."

"Well, it's really interesting." He defended. "Anyway, so... um... this princess-"

"Can I name her?" Karkat interrupted again.

"Uh, okay-"

"Her name is John the Lousy Derptard Who Needs to Get Out of My Room."

"... very funny. So the _unnamed princess_ was cursed so that on her sixteenth birthday-"

"She died."

"-she pricked her finger on a spinning wheel and fell into a hundred year slumber."

"Sounds boring. Change of plans, I'll be the princess. Let me sleep."

"And then a bunch of vines started growing over the castle, like they were blocking her off from the world-"

"I need to get those things. Keep you assholes out."

"... okay, I'm getting sick of your co-commentary." John muttered, pushing his glasses up again.

"Good. Go away." Karkat decided.

"No."

"Fuck you, John."

"... and one day, this prince came in and tried to save her." The boy continued.

"He must have been mentally retarded. Let's name him John Egbert the Brainless."

"He fought past the vines, ignored the warnings of the townspeople, and finally reached the princess."

"She woke up and murdered him in cold blood for fucking waking her up. She really liked that nap of hers."

"... woke her up with a kiss..."

"He tasted like shit, she killed him anyway."

"... and they lived happily ever after, the end." John slammed the book shut. "I gave you the abridged version."

"I feel so fucking honored." Karkat declared. "Go away."

"Doing so." John got up. "Oh, by the way, Dave told me to tell you before he came in with that tissue box..."

"Oh, fan-fucking-tastic. What'd I just rub all over my face." The troll groaned, staring at the tissue.

"Yeah, um..." John laughed nervously. "He spilled 'apple juice' on it."

There was a brief silence.

"DAVE FUCKING STRIDER I WILL GODDAMN KILL YOU."

John slammed the door behind him, locked it, and took off running. "DAVE I NEED MY MONEY! NOW!"

***

_I don't even know where I come up with these stupid ideas._

Maybe I just wanted to write Homestuck fanfic.

Or I'm just retarded.  


_... Lotsa swearing in there. Lilac finally has a competitor for her potty mouth._

_Go read something better to get your mind off this shit I tried to write, mmkay?_

Karkat: !

_John: Ahahaha, please review! *hides behind cabinet with Warhammer of Zillyhoo for self-assurance* don'tkillmeKarkat..._


End file.
